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and in his embrace i'm a hundred thousand pounds lighter,
nah, nah, friend, the heavy stuff doesn't ever go away,
but all the sunshine gets in.
everything in this 'verse tried stopping me
(as I was heading towards you,
the wind, the fever, the car, the phone)

every particle of time and space was whispering "stay"
(the second our fingertips touched,
the train, the bus, the crazy, the money)

it was too early.
early in this specific timeline.

now what we had is tarred, damaged, and unclosed.
a pestering wound.
a cake out in the sun.
something neglected.

I should have stayed.
you could have asked more than once.
we would have been.

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I'm taking a new lover, and I'm letting him hold my body, taking me from the back, repeatedly, and with increasing speed.
I feel such awful nothingness, until he says with his deep roaring voice that is so much like yours "i'm so into you".

We're in a tight embrace, in a different scenario, in a dark alley, this new amante and I, I can smell his cologne, and it's your cologne, and I actually bought it for him "it will be so fresh on you, babe." I spent hours in the store looking for you in a bottle. I pull him in closer, and my gratitude comes in so many undulating phases.

I feel like I could love him in a universe where I never met you.
You're a stain in my head. I wish I could let go. I wish I wasn't so obsessed. I wish there was a chance for whatever I think I'm going through.
All I know is saying all this out loud is admitting I'm mad, I'm jealous, I'm desperate, and in love. In love like a crazy person. Misplaced affection. Overgrown. Untalked through. Ridiculous. Hot. Desire.

I keep closing my eyes, and I cannot unsee you. I hate this.
I hate myself for being that horrible bitch.
I need you gone, cause I'm not there when you close your eyes.
I wanna give Him a chance. I wanna fall in love.
i'm no better than casual loneliness,

thinking i deserve mindless happiness.

(i feel emptiness)
I guess I wanna turn seventy.
I guess I wanna tell my grandkids how I wanted to join a circus on false pretenses to set free to the elephants.
I guess I wanna shave my head for the cancer kids.
I guess I wanna a handsome tall man of my choosing kiss my bald head, and admires my commitment.
I guess I wanna travel to India, and drink exclusively tea for the rest of my life.
I guess I want my wounds to heal and turn to beautiful scars.
I wanna plant a pretty, lovely flower for every terrible thought that's now in my head.
I wanna have the biggest garden in the Northern hemisphere.
I wanna laugh without covering my mouth.
I wanna laugh.
I wanna hug.
I wanna try.

But it just feels so far away, at this moment.
It feels like I'm at the bottom of a ghostly, muddy lake, completely paralyzed, miles away from the clear surface.
I am safe in a way that I never change. I remain peaceful. I remain a dark specter.

I know it gets better.
you guys, I'm a medical doctor! :D

Don't be scared, I'm good at it.

Anyway, I'll be sure to post more stuff, once I stop crying (you know, fear of responsibilities, fucking up life, major life choices, being 25, being really childish, people to hate, etc.)
  • Mood: Uneasy
  • Listening to: Tonight Alive
  • Reading: some historical novel about Byzantium
  • Watching: Death Note
  • Playing: Rail Rush
  • Eating: everything
  • Drinking: Cedevita

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Add a Comment:
scaryzwer Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2015
Hvala ti za fav, lipoto. :)
Sjemenka Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
ma naravno :D
ReyeD33 Featured By Owner May 4, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hvala za fav!! :thanks:
Sjemenka Featured By Owner May 4, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
ma uvijek. :D
pankreas67 Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2014
Dancing Pumkin head 4 Dancing Pumkin head 2 Dancing Pumkin head 3 Dancing Pumkin head 5 Dancing Pumkin head 
Sjemenka Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
pankreas67 Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2014
Rozina Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Hvala za fejv :hug: :heart:
Sjemenka Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
naravno :D :heart:
seriousmess Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
And thank you for the favourite and watch as well!
Add a Comment: