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About Literature / Hobbyist Member LuLu26/Female/Croatia Recent Activity
Deviant for 5 Years
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i'm no better than casual loneliness,

thinking i deserve mindless happiness.



(i feel emptiness)
I guess I wanna turn seventy.
I guess I wanna tell my grandkids how I wanted to join a circus on false pretenses to set free to the elephants.
I guess I wanna shave my head for the cancer kids.
I guess I wanna a handsome tall man of my choosing kiss my bald head, and admires my commitment.
I guess I wanna travel to India, and drink exclusively tea for the rest of my life.
I guess I want my wounds to heal and turn to beautiful scars.
I wanna plant a pretty, lovely flower for every terrible thought that's now in my head.
I wanna have the biggest garden in the Northern hemisphere.
I wanna laugh without covering my mouth.
I wanna laugh.
I wanna hug.
I wanna try.

But it just feels so far away, at this moment.
It feels like I'm at the bottom of a ghostly, muddy lake, completely paralyzed, miles away from the clear surface.
I am safe in a way that I never change. I remain peaceful. I remain a dark specter.

I know it gets better.
when?
What does my heart feel like?

Distant and fading.
Cold and tiny.


What do I feel when I listen to His heartbeats?

Huge and nurturing.
Warm and shiny.


And I'm trying to soak up the sun in my bedroom, getting burned instead of comfortable, so unfelt, so trapped and unable to transcend, cause He doesn't even know I need some light.
I dont want to take a picture of the sunset.

Lying in the back seat of my car.
Middle of nowhere of some freeway.
Faux leather sticks to my fat, greasy skin.

Heat melts my mascara, sweat or tears, I can't tell the difference.
I haven't been sane for a while.

Creamy vanilla clouds. Peachy cotton candy. Cherry syrup.

Threatening puce darkness. Shy stars creeping underneath of their invisibility cloak. Reinventing themselves from nothing to diamonds.

Warmth leaving my corporeal shell. Almost like blood loss.
Rebound streetlights. Petroleum spill.
Bitter tar and and a very empty stomach.
I sound like human trash.
It smells like rain.

My phone is shit. I can't take a picture. I can't lift a finger. I'm weak and I'm trash. I'm this fascinating nothing, just for the sake of trying to be a phenomenon.

It might rain.
It's going to rain.
I'm going to die of nothingness.
I was saving some of my secrets for you.
you guys, I'm a medical doctor! :D

Don't be scared, I'm good at it.

Anyway, I'll be sure to post more stuff, once I stop crying (you know, fear of responsibilities, fucking up life, major life choices, being 25, being really childish, people to hate, etc.)
  • Mood: Uneasy
  • Listening to: Tonight Alive
  • Reading: some historical novel about Byzantium
  • Watching: Death Note
  • Playing: Rail Rush
  • Eating: everything
  • Drinking: Cedevita

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:iconreyed33:
ReyeD33 Featured By Owner May 4, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hvala za fav!! :thanks:
Reply
:iconsjemenka:
Sjemenka Featured By Owner May 4, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
ma uvijek. :D
Reply
:iconpankreas67:
pankreas67 Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2014
Dancing Pumkin head 4 Dancing Pumkin head 2 Dancing Pumkin head 3 Dancing Pumkin head 5 Dancing Pumkin head 
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:iconsjemenka:
Sjemenka Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconpankreas67:
pankreas67 Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2014
:D
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:iconrozina:
Rozina Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Hvala za fejv :hug: :heart:
Reply
:iconsjemenka:
Sjemenka Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
naravno :D :heart:
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:iconseriousmess:
seriousmess Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
And thank you for the favourite and watch as well!
Reply
:iconfractalonwings:
FractalOnWings Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014
Sjemenko :D
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:iconsjemenka:
Sjemenka Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
eeeej ti! :D
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