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About Literature / Hobbyist Member LuLuFemale/Croatia Recent Activity
Deviant for 5 Years
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I wear it on my face, you know, this fear of hurting myself. I lie awake at night wondering how I would want to die. Then comes this awful premonition - I always end up killing myself. It's on my face, my face, my face, my face. No one wants to deal with a psycho.
My dad's bipolar, my grandad took his own life, my sister didn't eat for a year.
That boy touched me when I said 'no'. That boy made fun of me, he called me ugly, he called me fat, and he called me ugly, I hurt myself, I hurt so long.
I'm so scared that i'll die restless, that i'll never find peace, that i'll do it before my mom dies so i'll kill her too, me killing myself is in the back of my head even when i think i'm happy.
And I'm doomed if i let anyone in cause then I break the dam, and feel like even worse piece of unlovable shit that wants to die all the time, please, don't love me, it'll kill me, it'll kill me, it'll kill me.
You'll never love me enough. I need so much, cause no one ever gave me anything pure, and I don't think anyone can love me that much - a life's worth of pure, undying love. No one has that. It'll kill you.
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(Contains: sexual themes and strong language)
I know i'll fuck you way too soon, cause I'm not chaste, nor modest, and I love fucking, I really do, and so do you. But I'll make myself believe I love you, just as much, cause being a girl is hard, cause being a girl means being this coy plaything that you pick up when you're bored, and horny, and sweaty, and lovely, and amazing at everything you do to me. I'm a girl, and I'm porcelain skinned, shy, toned down version of myself who allows herself to have fun with cocks only if I use my heart. And it's not fair, cause I don't wanna pay attention to you, and I don't wanna laugh at your jokes, and I don't wanna care about you. I don't think you're sweet or special. You're just a hunk with a mouth I want between my legs, and I'm sick of this hate I have for my "inappropriate" self.
People settle for ugly sweaters, and stupid summer jobs, Pepsi for Coke, and tofu for ham, and sometimes they settle for a love, not as grand.
I'm okay with itchy wool touching my skin, if you'll help me take it off, and put me to bed with passion.
I'm okay with a shitty job, in the season of hell, if we get to lie in your bed, taking lo-fi/mild-erotica polaroids; naked, sweaty, and happy.
I'm okay with awful drinks, I just want us to share it with utter hatred, together.
I'm okay with B12 deficiency, if we go vegan the wrong way together.
I will not settle for someone who is not you.
Things I'll have to tell you some day:
- I don't feel good when I eat.
- I don't really like being touched.
- I panic, I panic, I panic, I panic.
- I was 6.
- I never planned on making it this far.
- I know where my dad keeps the violent kind of drugs.
- All the stuff I fear are pieces of my mind.
- I was 17.
- "Sleeping Beauty" is my favourite fairy tale.
- I know how to handle a nailclipper, and sharp pencils.
- I almost told a doctor about this.
- I was 25.
- I got scared.
- So will you.
-You're so normal.
- And I'll get bad again.
- Maybe I won't.
- I feel like I can trust you, and it feels like love.
I woke up at 7 AM on a Saturday, stuffed my face in cookie dough, poured it down with tea.
I didn't brush my teeth 'til noon, I didn't brush my hair at all.
TV. Internet.
Three minor panic attacks about future in general, and one rather major about losing control.
TV. Internet.
Five wishful scenarios about an okay looking guy, seventeen obsessive glances at my phone. Internet.
More cookie dough, more tea.
Wrote a poem, posted it online, several people liked it. I feel no gratification whatsoever, cause I'm in a terrible mood today, and I'm a terrible person.
Shower. Internet.
Oh. Greenpeace sent me an email. I did nothing about it, cause I'm a terrible person today, and me crying probably caused the Arctic to melt.
Talked on the phone, pretended I was happy.
Internet. Internet. Internet.
Apathy. Apathy. Apathy.
you guys, I'm a medical doctor! :D

Don't be scared, I'm good at it.

Anyway, I'll be sure to post more stuff, once I stop crying (you know, fear of responsibilities, fucking up life, major life choices, being 25, being really childish, people to hate, etc.)
  • Mood: Uneasy
  • Listening to: Tonight Alive
  • Reading: some historical novel about Byzantium
  • Watching: Death Note
  • Playing: Rail Rush
  • Eating: everything
  • Drinking: Cedevita

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pankreas67 Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2014
Dancing Pumkin head 4 Dancing Pumkin head 2 Dancing Pumkin head 3 Dancing Pumkin head 5 Dancing Pumkin head 
Sjemenka Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
pankreas67 Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2014
Rozina Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Hvala za fejv :hug: :heart:
Sjemenka Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
naravno :D :heart:
seriousmess Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2014   Writer
And thank you for the favourite and watch as well!
FractalOnWings Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014
Sjemenko :D
Sjemenka Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
eeeej ti! :D
FractalOnWings Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2014
oaklungs Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2014
thank you very much for the favourite :heart:
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